Today I found out I was pregnant with Baby Squill #4!!!!! NUMBER FOUR!
The excitement, the nerves, the energy, the fear, the tears... it's the exact same feelings with number four as it was with each of the others.
Anthony and I knew from the beginning we wanted four kids. We've known it was going to happen (Lord willing of course), and we were hoping for our timing. We wanted to wait until after our Christmas ski vacation. This would benefit us in so many ways. But in true God form, it's just not about us.
Because of our plan, we had, ahem, precautions in place. Not top of the line by any means, but a plan where we had succeeded for the past several months.
So once the kids got back into school, Anthony and I planned a day lunch date. It was hard to get our schedules to match, so we planned it for several weeks in the future. October 5th to be exact. Little did we know...
I haven't been able to get back on the pill due to various health issues. Because of that, my schedule is all kinds of off. So after my little friend didn't come four weeks to the day (very surprising), I decided to swallow it and take a pregnancy test. I dropped all the kids at school and stopped by Walgreens to buy it. The sweet older woman who checked me out looked at me and said, "Do you want to be?" And I honestly chuckled. What a funny question that we have to ask people these days. With all of the Planned Parenthood chaos surrounding us and the Choose Life movement going on, it's no wonder people ask that question. And in the moment it was so amusing to me. Was it our perfect timing? No. But did I want to be? Absolutely! Every. Single. Life. Matters. And this little precious life would be no different.
Anyway, I didn't really feel anything yet (let's be honest, I'd only be four weeks along and usually at four weeks you don't "feel" pregnant). So I didn't really think I was, but once I get it in my head that I might be, I need to take the test to make sure.
So when the clerk asked me if I wanted to be pregnant, I looked at her and said something like, "You know what? Of course I do. This would be our fourth, so we would love it- ready or not!?" And she smiled and said good luck. :)
I got the test and took it home. By the time I got home and took it, there was 23 minutes until I was supposed to meet Anthony for our lunch date. I couldn't even wait the three minutes- so I looked after only two... TWO LINES! I cried, I laughed, I was shocked! We thought we had been SOOOO careful! Oy! Were we really ready to do this?!
I grabbed the test and shoved it in my purse and headed off to meet Anthony. I didn't want to tell him at lunch. Since this was going to be our last baby, I wanted to do something really creative. (Spoiler alert- that failed).
So we get to lunch and in typical Anthony mid-day fashion he was pretty wound up. He was in work mode and not "sit and lunch" mode. It took him about twenty solid minutes to relax and just enjoy sitting at lunch. It didn't hurt my feelings, I know that's how he is and I know it's not me personally. It's just how he operates.
Anyway, he told me several times how pretty I looked. And at some point during the lunch while we were waiting for our food, he said, "Hey, didn't you say you were kind of feeling crampy this past weekend? Do you think you're going to start soon? Do you think you're pregnant?" It was seriously out of left field. I had NO intention of telling him there. But it was too perfect not to tell him...
-At lunch just the two of us on an absolutely GORGEOUS day
-A lunch that we planned weeks before without knowing what would come of it
-A direct question asked...
I HAD to tell him.
So I just smiled and said, "I am." And then tears started falling slowly down my face. Not many, just a few, genuine, happy tears. The kind of tears you only have when you get to tell the guy you love that you are pregnant with his last baby. His eyes got HUGE.
"Well, look at your tears! Of course you are! Ohmygosh. Oh. My. Gosh. OH. MY. GOSH!"
Obviously we were both caught off guard! He said some hilarious things... "FOUR?!" and "Aaron (our brother in law!) is going to give me the hardest time!" and "I'm getting snipped RIGHT after this baby comes!"
We laughed and freaked out together. We prayed. Could we really do this?? Were we capable of raising four kids?
Obviously, we have no clue what it will be like or if we are really capable of it or of any certainties. But what we do know is that we were chosen to be this baby's parents. We were chosen to give this baby the best life we know how. We were chosen.
And we are in this 150% ready or not! And I can assure you, we are getting ready! Here's to number four!!