So here I go into a deep-thoughts post... If you don't want to read it, go ahead and stop here- it won't hurt my feelings! :)
So I read a friend's blog this morning and it has just stayed with me today. Leah wrote this, and I have thought about it all day. It talks about how as mothers we try to be selfless by giving everything we've got to our children (and husbands too!). She says how we often put ourselves last and don't give a second thought to our needs, claiming we are "selflessly" doing so. However, she spins an interesting perspective by noting that putting our NEEDS (not wants!) last, we are actually being somewhat selfish. Honestly, read her post- she says it much more eloquently than I ever could!
But this has had me thinking all day. It is SUCH a struggle for me to leave Jay for more than 30 minutes. And I only leave him with Anthony or our families. It's even hard for me to leave him for that long. Some days I just think (ok most of the time I think) that no one can care for him like me. And like Leah says on her blog, of course our babies can be cared for by others. She talks about how we are not indispensable at all (though God has given us a ridiculously important role as their mothers), and that by taking care of our needs we are actually helping our babies and husbands and others. God is the only indispensable being. What a powerful thought.
Along those lines, our Sunday school class teacher talked about being selfish this past Sunday. And Anthony's Bible Study this morning talked about being selfish. Are you seeing a trend here? I am thinking that God is sending me a message!
As selfless as I try to be, I am absolutely selfish. In Sunday school we talked about being a servant. I thought about that. I want to be a servant. I want to serve others. I want to have a servant's heart. It certainly was easy to call myself a servant when I taught in a Title I school. I served needy children and families every day. But now that I am out of that, who do I serve?
One of the things I have realized is that I (and people in general) are just selfish beings. We don't mean to be, but we are. I love cooking dinner for Anthony each night. I love making him feel taken care of. I love when he walks in the house and asks what smells so good. I love watching him eat my hard work and go and get more. I love being able to pick up the dry cleaning for him so he doesn't have to, or do the laundry, or walk the dog or whatever it may be. I LOVE serving him that way. But I honestly can't say it just pleases me to serve him. Because what I honestly like is his reaction. I like the way it makes ME feel good to do it. I like how he enjoys what I have done. I like how he tells people that I'm a good cook, or a good wife, or a good mother. No matter how much I serve HIM, I honestly can't say I always just do it out of the goodness of my heart. Pretty selfish, huh??
So I have decided that my focus for now is to be more selfless. To be more of a servant no matter what the reaction is that I get. If Anthony forgets to tell me how good dinner is, that's ok. The point is to make HIM happy.
This is where I am so amazed at God. How can He be so loving, caring, and selfless? How can He just sit back and continue to give us what we need, and answer our prayers, when we are such self-serving, selfish beings? His love is TRULY amazing.
Ok, that is my serious blog. Congrats if you made it this far! :)